You can call me Dr. Phil

 "Only hang out with people you like. I learned this and it changed my life."

-Emily Haines

Most people think of summer as a time to relax and unwind but, I, on the other hand, seem to always have this crazy notion that I should take summer classes. Needless to say, this makes my summer significantly less exciting especially when the class I'm taking this summer is O chem II. I'm gonna keep it real, it's not really going the greatest. It's not that I'm not trying or anything but I just don't get it.  Every time I'm asked, "How would you perform this synthesis?" I feel like, rather than attempting to bullshit my way through a synthesis, I'd be better off just writing, "I would ask someone who actually understands chemistry to do it."

Last night I actually emerged from my study shell (and by emerged from my study shell, I mean last night was one of the three nights a year when someone was like, "Gee, Joey still exists. Maybe we should call him!") for a while. We were in some rando's backyard and somehow the subject of prom came up. One of my friends mentioned that she didn't enjoy her prom because she didn't really want to spend time with her boyfriend and would have rather gone with her friends.

For some reason, this statement jarred me. I'm no relationship expert, largely because I have yet to find someone who's desperate enough to date me, but I feel like my almost complete degree in psychology and the fact that I passed social psych brings me pretty damn close, right? I've always been of the school of thought that you really shouldn't be dating someone that you don't want to spend time with because you can only have sex for so many hours in a day (and even then, sex as a foundation for a relationship generally doesn't lead to anything stable) and you'll be spending plenty of time with each other so shouldn't you actually look forward to that time?

Apparently, not everyone thinks this way because I know WAY too many people aren't dating someone who they genuinely like outside of the bedroom. I've always said that I don't want to rush into a relationship with someone because I want to have the foundation of a genuine friendship but it seems like too many many people are waaaay to eager to get right into a relationship or each others' pants.

Now, I may be biased in this last statement because of the types of guys I tend to attract. For some reason, the stage 5 clingers are really into me. I don't really know why this is because I have a tendency to make my annoyance very clear but they persist. Maybe I have a musk that tells guys that I like being texted, "Hey, what's up? How are you? What are you thinking? What are you feeling?" three times a day or maybe it's what I get for trying to be nice to most people. Either way, I have a low threshold for that and I quickly lose any mild interest I may have had before.

My point is that people need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN and take time to get to know each other. Studies have shown that couples who are friends tend to last longer and quite honestly, you didn't need to do an empirical study to tell me that. It seems kind of... duh? The reasoning behind this may be because there are two different kinds of love that play a key role in intimate relationships. The first kind is passionate love, and, as the name suggests, this is the "OMG I WANT TO HUMP YOUR BRAINS OUT!!!!" kind of love. I don't remember the exact length of time but it doesn't exactly last a long period. Like your passion, your relationship will probably fizzle unless there's a strong foundation of companionate love. This is the kind of love where you genuinely care about the other person and what they think, feel, etc. This is the kind of love found in deep friendships and generally lasts a lot longer than passionate love (and actually grows over time). Without it, your relationship will not work for an extended period and I've never seen the point of getting into a relationship I knew would fail.

To sum things up, if you find someone that you're interested in dating, take the time to actually get to know them. You'll be glad you did because in the long run your relationship will be stronger. If things don't work out between you and them, hey, that's okay. Some people don't work out together. You'll probably find someone else and if you don't, there's always cats!

Live fast, die young?

I'd like to start out with some exciting news... I found another purple food!!!! Apparently, one variety of kale is partially purple. Who knew?! Obviously I had to pick up a bunch and now I'm looking for something to do with it because... what the fuck do you do with kale?

Anyway, I read a disturbing article today that the US is WAY behind other developed countries as far as our life expectancies go. I found this a bit shocking because I've always been told that we had one of the highest life expectancies. As I got near the end of the article, it became clear why ours is so low: Obesity (as well as smoking). This leads to today's angry Joey rant.

*clears throat*

GET OFF YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASSES AMERICANS AND STOP EATING SUCH CRAP. Yeah, I know it's a lot more fun to sit around and eat chocolate and ice cream and deep fried shit all day but do you realize what it's doing to your body?! It's disgusting. So suck it the fuck up and MOVE. You can spare half an hour a day for activity. And fuck, you can even take two days off a week and still be fine! And quit bitching about how healthy food tastes like shit. Ever thought that maybe you're not doing it right? DON'T BLAME CARROTS.

What's amazes the fuck out of me is how people still manage to be lard asses even though we have tons of resources for them to loose weight and stay at least relatively healthy. I mean, running is FUCKING FREE. GO DO IT. You can look up yoga videos online FOR FREE. You can get a Jillian Michaels DVD for like $10. You don't need a gym! Just get out there and MOVE. And stop eating at McDonalds. We all know how crappy it is.





This concludes our Joey rant for today. Thank you for your time.

Day 27: A song that you wish you could play

Can I just say ANY song for today's blog? I mean, I can't play any instruments... No? Fuck, I need to come up with a specific song then.

Okay, well... One of the things I value in a musician is talent. This seems to be a foreign concept these days but I think singing, being able to play an instrument or two well, writing your own songs, etc. are crucial duties of someone who is a musician in the same way that a doctor needs to be able to recognize symptoms of diseases, prescribe medicines, etc. (except obviously doctors need to know a *little* more than musicians haha). It seems that very few pop stars these actually hold up to that standard... which is sad because I don't think that's that high of a standard. The one shining, glimmering, leather studded hope happens to be the lovely Lady Gaga. I know, a lot of people think she's just some weirdo space alien singer with no talent (I myself used to be a hater until I woke up) but really, she isn't at all. Take for, example, her song "Speechless."

"Speechless" isn't at all like what people think of when they think of usual Lady Gaga music. The woman shows off her voice and trust me, SHE HAS A VOICE. It's so powerful and she definitely lives up to all the hype she's getting. I also recommend looking up some of her acoustic stuff too. It's... incredible.

Beyond her amazing voice, Gaga is also fucking smart, too. She realizes that even though she's an amazing singer, that's not what sells so she makes music that's more poppy but still has a chance to show off her real music on the occasional track or at live shows. And she knows how to sell herself too while still being true to herself. Gaga is a fucking genius. There's no other way to describe her. If you don't like her, or at least acknowledge that the woman is talented as all fuck, there's something wrong with you.

Day 19: A song from your favorite album

I'd like to start out by admitting something: I'm getting really sick of this challenge. I'm sure many of you have noticed due to my relatively short posts that are filled with meaningless dribble... Oh wait, that isn't anything new, is it? Regardless, I refuse to give up when I'm almost 2/3 done! So please, bare with me loyal readers and randos who occasionally stop by over these next 11 days. We'll get through this together.

I'm not really sure what album would qualify as my favorite but one of my favorites of all time is the No Doubt classic Tragic Kingdom. Without question this album is one of the greatest albums of all time and if you think otherwise... I'll shiv you in the kidney.

A favorite track of mine has always been "Just A Girl." Holy fuck, that song rules so hard. It's super catchy and features one of my favorite features a song can possibly have, angry female vocals. Gwen's expressing her frustrations about being stereotyped because she's a girl, something I can relate to... kind of. Not about being a girl, but about being a man. My whole life there have always been these expectations about how I should be simply because I possess a penis and I've never really lived up to them so I've gotten a lot of shit. People would tell me, "You can't listen to bands with girl singers! That's GAY!" or "You can't be friends with girls unless you want to FUCK 'EM!" or "You look up to a woman? You can't do that!" Well you know what? Fuck you all. I'm sick of being told I have to fit this mold because I'm a man.

Yes, I like a lot of bands that have female singers. Their voices sound better to me. SO WHAT?

Yes, I consider Gwen Stefani to be my idol. She can teach anyone a thing or two, man or woman. SO WHAT?

Yes, I actually respect women on a non-sexual level and see past gender when it comes to abilities and qualifications... SO WHAT?

We need to get over these culturally set up gender roles. They're so stupid. And it's not like anyone perfectly fits them, either. So get over yourselves and stop acting like you're hot shit just because you (think you) live up to what society tells you a man should be.

Day 12: A song from a band you hate

Does it have to be by a band? No? Okay, sweet! "Baby" by Justin Bieber is my choice, then. This song is... awful. I actually haven't heard it the full way through nor do I have any plans to change that. The first time I heard it was on TV while I was in a different room and I was like... Who is this horrible woman singing? Then I entered the room and say the TV was like... Who is this horrible LESBIAN singing? Then I found out who it was and I was horrified that such an awful musician (if you can call him that... I hear he doesn't write his own music... -.-) was selling millions of records and making little girls' jinies tingle.

The worst part isn't his horrible music; it's his fans. They're insane. Like... legitimately insane. They sent death threats to one of the Kardashians when she was spotted with Justin and he was into. Come on, girls, let's be honest: Were you not expecting that? I think the Kardashians are a bunch of pseudo-celebrities but even I'll acknowledge that they're fine as hell. And most of you are either 12 and wear glasses/are over weight or give a whole new meaning to the term "cougar" (in that you're 50 and not still hot and lusting after a 12 year old boy). Add on your creepy and blatant mental illness/stalking of him and it's pretty goddamn obvious that he'd of after one of the Kardashians.

What's worse is how disrespectful you are in times of world crisis. When Haiti was happening you insisted on making fag boy a TT on Twitter? NOT COOL. Hundreds of thousands of people died and you're just like, "Tee hee! Let's ignore the world crisis and talk about some shitty pop star!" There are more important things than him, got it? You don't see me tweeting about No Doubt or Metric when there's a major world event going on, do you? No. So grow the fuck up. I realize you're mainly 10 year olds or old women with the mental capacity of a 10 year old but seriously, didn't your parents teach you better?

Overall, I'm really disappointed with these new pop stars lately and it's not because I'm one of those people who thinks all new music is shit and that the Beatles are the only good band to ever exist or anything like that... It's that they are genuinely awful. Ke$hit? Beaver? Taylor Swift, who can't carry a tune live? These are the best that music has to offer? Wow. Kinda sad. I guess that I have the attitude that musicians should be able to, you know, sing or play an instrument well but I guess I'm the only one. We'd rather have someone who looks good... or a Canadian lesbian with a sideswiped haircut.

Singles Awareness Day: Let's call it what it is

Ahhhhh, Singles Awareness Day... Possibly the only holiday devoted completely to making people feel worse about themselves. The only reason this day exists is so candy and flower companies can dish out more product during their slow season. I don't see why we need a whole day for couples to go out and rub their happiness in the rest of our faces.

This year, I'm gonna be honest about something: I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough for a relationship. Yeah, as much as I'd LIKE one it honestly probably isn't a good a idea. I'd drive whoever I was dating completely batshit because I'm so irritable and stressed all the time. I wouldn't want to force that upon someone. It just would be nice to have someone to rely on... and to bang. Banging would be swell.

I would like to make one slightly less cynical point: Couples, shouldn't you be treating each other like you do around Singles Awareness Day all year long? (minus the PDA... That shit needs to stop) Why is it that this one day/couple of days each year you decide that you're going to appreciate each other? Shouldn't you do that all the time? After all, there are some of us who have never been in a relationship and would kill something to do so. So appreciate it, you ungrateful bastards.

I tried looking up to you, girl... Errr, dude

Today in my anthropology class we watched a movie about Freud. In the grand tradition of Freud, and my anthropology class for that matter, it ended up being mainly about sex. Seriously, this guy was hella perverted.

But that's not my point.

In the movie, there was a part about Freud's idol and how he'd write him almost romantic letters praising him. Instead of paying attention from this point forward, I got to thinking about who my idols are and I had a realization: They're all women. There really aren't any men out there that I'd say I idolize, at least not in the same way I do my ladies. I mean, I think Tom Dumont and Jimmy Shaw are pretty rad but I don't think I'd say I look up to them.

Is this weird? Like is it weird that I mainly look up to women? I feel like every other guy out there is like, "Duddde, my idol is (insert generic sports figure/rawwwwk musician/their father or grandfather/other manly man)" and I'm like, "Gwen Stefani FTW!"

I guess since I've always gotten along better with girls I've naturally always ended up looking up to them. Or maybe I'm not exposed to enough strong male role models. Or maybe men are just scum. Or maybe my life is just one large estrogen-fest and that's all it'll ever be. =\

If you bore me then I'm comfortable

"If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I wanna be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best"
-No Doubt

I've never enjoyed having a crush. It's never gone anywhere. It's only wasted my time, built me up and torn me down.

But for some inexplicable reason, lately I kind of... miss it.
I don't know why. But I really want someone to long for, to think of when I hear stupid love songs, to cryptically tweet about...

Okay, so that's not at all what I want: I want something more. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. I'll be 20 in less than six months. Come on, Joey, get your act together. Find someone.

But that's the thing: I have yet to meet someone who excites me like how I need to be excited.

I haven't met anyone I can be passionate about and, as I'm sure you all know, I have a hard time committing to anything that I'm even slightly less than passionate about.

I don't want much. Just someone to rely on. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to talk to when I'm having a bad day. Someone to do shit with.

But everyone that even mildly sparks my interest... also terrifies me. I can't talk to them. I freeze up and go into my shell. This is becoming a huge problem especially since it's extended to new people in general.

I've seriously become this mega hot mess lately. I'm stressed all the time, I can't pull my shit together. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely handle driving. It freaks me out. And there's no one I can talk to about it. No one really gets it or at least pretends to get it.

I want to go out and meet new people. I need to do it, actually. Not even people to date but just like friends. Most of my friends are off at college. Even though I'm back, I'm still really empty and lonely. I feel unimportant.

I want to go out and meet new people... but I don't know how. Or where. Or what to do. And if I do meet new people, I don't think I can handle it.

I don't think there's much I can handle anymore.