Adult Candy

 This is a poem I wrote for my poetry class last year. It is one of the few poems I actually thought I'd done an okay job on. So read, enjoy, and don't be an asshole and steal it.

Adult Candy

If in the morning I feel my back ache
Then two Percocet I do take
Before I continue on my daily routine
And if I don’t get my candy I’LL FUCKING SCREAM
For the Zoloft makes the happiness stay
And the Zyprexa keeps the crazies at bay
There is a medicine that can help one and all
Whether it be Albuterol, Advair, or Adderall

Speaking of Adderall, where is my goddamn Vyvanse??
Without it I can’t focus, not a chance!!
Oh God, I’m so worked up that my heart might attack
So I think I’ll take a Plavix to get rid of the plaque
And what if I have diabetes?? Should I take a Januvia too??
And I’ll prescribe myself some Celexa (because I’m feeling blue)
But wait!! I’m having trouble taking a shit!!
A Colace will help soften things up a bit
And those pink gnomes I keep seeing are giving me hell
So I think it’s time for a Seroquel!!
And while I’m at it, just for fun, how about a Foscavir??
Why?? Because getting herpes is my fear

My candy is like a rainbow of pharmaceutical proportions
And contrary to all of the media distortions
Nothing can make all my problems go away
Like twenty seven Valium every single day
And if there is no Valium to be found
That’s okay, other benzodiazepines are sure to abound!!
I have my choice of Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin
And for my weight problem, Fen-phen will surely make me thin
Some might say I have a problem and that I need some aid
But to them I say, “FUCK YOU!! DO I LOOK DISMAYED?!”
And then I realize how angry I’ve become
So I pop one or two or five or seventeen Librium
But these rumors of addiction should be easy to douse
Seeing as I’m not a train wreck like Amy Winehouse

Maybe I do take too many prescription pills
But unlike some, I don’t take them for the thrills
Sure, I may not have AIDS but I can still take Sustiva, right?
So I’ll just keep these thoughts out of mind, out of sight
Because now it’s late and sleep I must
So I’ll take an Ambien before the sandman sprinkles his dust