Summer in the city means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.

Obligatory comment about how I suck at blogging and fully intend to start writing on here more often (though I will more than likely not follow through with that to be honest.)

Good, now that that's out of the way we can move on to more pressing matters. For those of you who are unaware, this is my first week of summer. I'm... actually not that excited. I'm taking O Chem II (assuming I passed O Chem I... which I'm still unsure of) so that will take up most of my time. During my free time, I will be doing... nothing. Everyone is so busy lately and it seems like no one can ever, or wants to, spare some time for me.

But whatever. There are some things I am looking forward to! I'm turning 21 at the end of July so that should be fun. And if it's not, I'll be drunk so I won't care! I'm hoping to maybe go to Lollapalooza in August and maybe Summerfest, assuming I can find someone to go with.

Of course, there is also going to be plenty of time for me to exercise so I have lots of new fitness goals! I'm doing (well, attempting to do) Insanity. I just did the fitness today and it was TOUGH. I couldn't even finish it! Tomorrow, I'll be starting the first real workout.

Well. This is my attempt at at blogging. Anyone else have fun summer plans?

Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral

What... a depressing topic. I don't have one song that I have on reserves in case of death (although I guess it doesn't really matter because I wouldn't be able to tell anyone to play it because of the whole being dead thing) so I'm not sure if I actually want this song played at my funeral or not... But I do think it's a pretty appropriate funeral song.

"It Just Is" by Rilo Kiley is the last song on their More Adventurous album, one of my absolute favorite albums of all time. This album is fucking genius. Rilo Kiley is kind of weird in that they straddle the line between country and alternative and it actually works really well. It doesn't hurt, however, that they are fronted by the adorable Jenny Lewis whose voice is almost as amazing as she is.

"It Just Is" is a lot like yesterday's song, "Love is a Place," in that it's very simple ("Love is a Place" is a lot simpler, however, in that it's basically an acoustic song). The lyrics repeat themselves and there's nothing overly fancy about the music, although it is a really climactic way to end the album. The lyrics are very fitting for a funeral, too...

This loss isn't good enough for sorry or inspiration
It's such a loss for the good guys
Afraid of this life
That it just is
'Cause everybody dies

It gives me chills every time I hear it. It's weird to think that everyone in the world right now that we know or see or that is alive will someday die. You, me, celebrities, politicians, the janitor at your place of employment... Everyone. Kind of depressing, but it's something we need to accept. Existence is finite. Yeah, it sucks, but denying it won't do us any good.

Day 22: A song that you listen to when you're sad

I'd like to officially christen today "Emo Day" in honor of today's blog. It's all about the negative emotions, man. So let's dress in all black, find the nearest dark corner, and wallow.

Today's song is "Reason Why" by Rachael Yamagata. I was originally introduced to this song on a mix CD my sister in law made for me. Rachael's voice is beautiful and sad and you can hear the heartbreak in her voice. The lyrics are what really blow my mind so I'm going to share some of my favorite parts...


And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why

This section I particularly related to in high school. I'd rather not get into why exactly, but let's just say I was in a situation with someone who I could tell was in complete denial... and it sucked.

But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

Mmmmmm... Love that line... It gives me shivers.

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So raw, so emotional, so beautiful. Fuck, I wish I could write like that. I guess that's why I'm not a musician or poet. Science FTW!

I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

That situation I mentioned before... That's kind of how I feel about it now. Whatever, I'm over it.

Day 4: A song that makes you sad

It's day 4 of the 30 day song challenge and today's theme is "a song that makes you sad." I chose the song "Pretend" by Lights. I happen to adore Lights; not only does she make really good music but she's REAL PURTY!!!! I mean, look at this picture I stole from her Facebook:



LOOK AT THAT FACE. It's soooo... symmetrical.

But this blog isn't about me being a creep, it's about this lovely song that happens to make Joey very nostalgic. I turned 20 just over a week ago and it's been really sinking in that I'm not a child anymore and you know what? I had a pretty damn good childhood. Nothing overly traumatic happened (well, until I was like 16, anyway) and I lived a pretty easy life. And best of all, I got to just play all of the time and didn't have to work hard in school (which really fucked me over for college haha). I got to do a lot of things Lights sings about; Drinking soda (or that sparkly grape shit) instead of wine, water gun fights, play fights in general... Don't get me wrong, I love me some wine but I'd give it all up to be a child again. Things were just better back then.

Some things I miss: Game Boys, Pokemon, playing cops and robbers, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, old episodes of the Simpsons, Nickleodeon, Beanie Babies, getting dressed up for Halloween, Christmas in general, playing Legos, going to my grandma's in Illinois and catching lightning bugs, the Fun Fest at my elementary school, chalk, sledding down my neighbor's hill, sleepovers, Skip Its, biking, bad 90's music, being able to get by on 7 hours of sleep, doing nothing all summer, getting special treatment because I was so young, ghosts in the graveyard, freeze tag, my friend's basement, N64 (I miss this one A LOT haha), the Spice Girls, movies like Clueless, being innocent and carefree, Joe and Tara's Bar (don't ask haha), awkward middle school dances, calling people do see if they wanted to play, looking forward to college and the future and having endless possibilities ahead of me...

I wish I could go back.

If you bore me then I'm comfortable

"If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I wanna be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best"
-No Doubt

I've never enjoyed having a crush. It's never gone anywhere. It's only wasted my time, built me up and torn me down.

But for some inexplicable reason, lately I kind of... miss it.
I don't know why. But I really want someone to long for, to think of when I hear stupid love songs, to cryptically tweet about...

Okay, so that's not at all what I want: I want something more. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. I'll be 20 in less than six months. Come on, Joey, get your act together. Find someone.

But that's the thing: I have yet to meet someone who excites me like how I need to be excited.

I haven't met anyone I can be passionate about and, as I'm sure you all know, I have a hard time committing to anything that I'm even slightly less than passionate about.

I don't want much. Just someone to rely on. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to talk to when I'm having a bad day. Someone to do shit with.

But everyone that even mildly sparks my interest... also terrifies me. I can't talk to them. I freeze up and go into my shell. This is becoming a huge problem especially since it's extended to new people in general.

I've seriously become this mega hot mess lately. I'm stressed all the time, I can't pull my shit together. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely handle driving. It freaks me out. And there's no one I can talk to about it. No one really gets it or at least pretends to get it.

I want to go out and meet new people. I need to do it, actually. Not even people to date but just like friends. Most of my friends are off at college. Even though I'm back, I'm still really empty and lonely. I feel unimportant.

I want to go out and meet new people... but I don't know how. Or where. Or what to do. And if I do meet new people, I don't think I can handle it.

I don't think there's much I can handle anymore.

No, I can't really make you love me

It's time to bust out another side of me: Joey the Emo. Or as I affectionately call him, Weepy McGirlJeans. He's a chipper fellow.

As much as I'm really enjoying being back at the U (and really, I am- It definitely was a wise decision on my part to transfer) and it's nice to get out of the house everyday, there is one teensy weensy little thing I forgot about: All those damn couples that seem to be found on college campuses. Seriously, they're everywhere!!! It's like there's a fountain of lovey dovey couples that just sprung forth behind Coffman. Everytime I see one holding hands, I wanna just walk right through them so they STOP. Or better yet cut their hands off. They walk around all smug and touch each other and rub each other and, worst of all, insist upon sticking their tongues down each other's throats all the time. Get a fucking room. But please use a condom because we don't need more of you in the world.

All sarcasm and bitterness aside, I think the real reason they bother me so much is that they remind me that I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I have fantastic friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world... but it doesn't help one's self confidence to be 19 and have never been in a relationship or even had a "thing" with anyone. It's really pathetic, isn't it? Am I really THAT undesirable? I mean, I know plenty of people out there who smell, are practically deformed looking, are generally a bitch/asshole, and otherwise lack any qualities one would find desirable in a partner but yet they seem to go through lovers like Rush Limbaugh goes through pill bottles.

And you know what the worst part is? This damn holiday coming up. As if they need a whole day to rub it in my face with their fat naked babies shooting things and fattening chocolates and ugly as shit pink... shit. Yes, I'm talking about Singles Awareness Day. February 14th is by far the worst day of the year. And I don't even have a cat to smother... with love. I wouldn't ACTUALLY smother it...

Anywho, who knows how I'll celebrate this year. Probably like I have the last few years: Attempting to go out, being reminded that I'm a failure at life, returning home, turning on some No Doubt and spending the rest of the night crying in my room. Or perhaps I'll get a bottle of Arbor Mist and drown my pain in seven dollar wine. Either way, one thing is for sure: I'm spending another S.A.D. alone.