For those of you who are unaware, I've recently developed an obsession with this YouTube show called "My Drunk Kitchen." The premise that this girl gets drunk and cooks things and films it. It's pretty freakin' great. Well, there happens to be a new episode today so I wanted to share it with you before I got into the real meat of today's blog.




Isn't she great?! I love her. I want to keep her in a jar in my room.

Now that I've shared the joy of MDK, it's time to move on to a more serious topic. I know, I know, it's rare that I have serious blogs because I'm so fucking entertaining.

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, lately I've been posting a lot of rather depressing statuses (Basically, I've turned into this whiny thirteen year old fat emo girl). I know they're annoying and I know it seems like I'm... well, a whiny thirteen year old fat emo girl. I also realize that lately I've been really irritable lately. I'm snapping at people, I'm making vicious sarcastic comments, I'm not commenting or tweeting or texting back, I'm being really anti-social... Basically, I'm becoming a real asshole.

Well, more of a real asshole than I usually am.

I've also become a tad paranoid and have gotten mad at people for stupid things like not responding to a Facebook event invite or whatever... Stuff that, while annoying, doesn't warrant the kind of reaction I've been having. In addition, I've felt the need to obsessively write on people's walls, comment or like everything, etc. because I feel like everyone is abandoning me for completely irrational reasons.

I guess I just really wanted to apologize for how I've been acting lately. There's been a lot of negative stuff in my life lately that I've been struggling with and it honestly has been getting worse rather than better. I'm trying to work through it but it's a long, difficult process. So if I snap at you or whatever, don't take it personally. It really is my issue more than anything else and you're probably doing nothing wrong. I don't know why I take things out on the people I love, but that's what always ends up happening. I'm trying to stop, I really am.

Life has been a struggle lately for me. I don't want to go into details of what's been going on, and I'm sure most of you probably don't want to hear it, but things are getting bad. Some days, I won't get out of bed until 4 because I just don't see the point or feel like dealing with reality. Hopefully, someday I'll get better. Hopefully.

If you bore me then I'm comfortable

"If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I wanna be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best"
-No Doubt

I've never enjoyed having a crush. It's never gone anywhere. It's only wasted my time, built me up and torn me down.

But for some inexplicable reason, lately I kind of... miss it.
I don't know why. But I really want someone to long for, to think of when I hear stupid love songs, to cryptically tweet about...

Okay, so that's not at all what I want: I want something more. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. I'll be 20 in less than six months. Come on, Joey, get your act together. Find someone.

But that's the thing: I have yet to meet someone who excites me like how I need to be excited.

I haven't met anyone I can be passionate about and, as I'm sure you all know, I have a hard time committing to anything that I'm even slightly less than passionate about.

I don't want much. Just someone to rely on. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to talk to when I'm having a bad day. Someone to do shit with.

But everyone that even mildly sparks my interest... also terrifies me. I can't talk to them. I freeze up and go into my shell. This is becoming a huge problem especially since it's extended to new people in general.

I've seriously become this mega hot mess lately. I'm stressed all the time, I can't pull my shit together. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely handle driving. It freaks me out. And there's no one I can talk to about it. No one really gets it or at least pretends to get it.

I want to go out and meet new people. I need to do it, actually. Not even people to date but just like friends. Most of my friends are off at college. Even though I'm back, I'm still really empty and lonely. I feel unimportant.

I want to go out and meet new people... but I don't know how. Or where. Or what to do. And if I do meet new people, I don't think I can handle it.

I don't think there's much I can handle anymore.