"If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I wanna be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best"
-No Doubt
I've never enjoyed having a crush. It's never gone anywhere. It's only wasted my time, built me up and torn me down.
But for some inexplicable reason, lately I kind of... miss it.
I don't know why. But I really want someone to long for, to think of when I hear stupid love songs, to cryptically tweet about...
Okay, so that's not at all what I want: I want something more. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. I'll be 20 in less than six months. Come on, Joey, get your act together. Find someone.
But that's the thing: I have yet to meet someone who excites me like how I need to be excited.
I haven't met anyone I can be passionate about and, as I'm sure you all know, I have a hard time committing to anything that I'm even slightly less than passionate about.
I don't want much. Just someone to rely on. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to talk to when I'm having a bad day. Someone to do shit with.
But everyone that even mildly sparks my interest... also terrifies me. I can't talk to them. I freeze up and go into my shell. This is becoming a huge problem especially since it's extended to new people in general.
I've seriously become this mega hot mess lately. I'm stressed all the time, I can't pull my shit together. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely handle driving. It freaks me out. And there's no one I can talk to about it. No one really gets it or at least pretends to get it.
I want to go out and meet new people. I need to do it, actually. Not even people to date but just like friends. Most of my friends are off at college. Even though I'm back, I'm still really empty and lonely. I feel unimportant.
I want to go out and meet new people... but I don't know how. Or where. Or what to do. And if I do meet new people, I don't think I can handle it.
I don't think there's much I can handle anymore.
So, having known me for half a decade, you've probably realized that I'm not really a sympathetic person. Callousness seems to lurk in my presence. However, I'm really - distraught - to see that you are going through such a tough time lately, and as your friend, I'm sorry that I'm not capable of offering sincere condolences. But trust me on this, I would if I could. There is nothing that I would want more than to see you happy with your life. Joe, I realize that you have been through a lot in life - many things which I cannot reciprocate. But I mean it when I say that you deserve happiness because no one deserves the stress and misery that you appear to be going through right now.
ReplyDeleteAs for the lonliness, it WILL happen. It's a matter of time. I too have never had anything remotely serious in terms of relationships, and I know what it's like to want someone to care about you in a romantic way. But, time will pass, and you will find someone right for you. You're only 19. You haven't had the chance to experience the "reality" of living the vast majority of life, but I promise you that you will find something. Just don't freak out about it. When it is time for it to happen, it will. Patience, my friend.
This is meant to be taken as a joke, but actually, it's not all that funny.. and kind of sad that it's true. But without alcohol, I would probably be in the same position, socially anyway.
ReplyDeleteParties are were it's at... such is college life. You meet someone in class- you probably aren't going to hang out with them unless it's at a party.
So. I don't know really what to tell you besides that sad little fact.
Oh and I really liked what you had to say on my post.. got me thinking. I appreciate it.