If you bore me then I'm comfortable

"If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I wanna be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best"
-No Doubt

I've never enjoyed having a crush. It's never gone anywhere. It's only wasted my time, built me up and torn me down.

But for some inexplicable reason, lately I kind of... miss it.
I don't know why. But I really want someone to long for, to think of when I hear stupid love songs, to cryptically tweet about...

Okay, so that's not at all what I want: I want something more. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. I'll be 20 in less than six months. Come on, Joey, get your act together. Find someone.

But that's the thing: I have yet to meet someone who excites me like how I need to be excited.

I haven't met anyone I can be passionate about and, as I'm sure you all know, I have a hard time committing to anything that I'm even slightly less than passionate about.

I don't want much. Just someone to rely on. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to talk to when I'm having a bad day. Someone to do shit with.

But everyone that even mildly sparks my interest... also terrifies me. I can't talk to them. I freeze up and go into my shell. This is becoming a huge problem especially since it's extended to new people in general.

I've seriously become this mega hot mess lately. I'm stressed all the time, I can't pull my shit together. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely handle driving. It freaks me out. And there's no one I can talk to about it. No one really gets it or at least pretends to get it.

I want to go out and meet new people. I need to do it, actually. Not even people to date but just like friends. Most of my friends are off at college. Even though I'm back, I'm still really empty and lonely. I feel unimportant.

I want to go out and meet new people... but I don't know how. Or where. Or what to do. And if I do meet new people, I don't think I can handle it.

I don't think there's much I can handle anymore.

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Last night I had a bizarre dream (not that this seems to be anything new for me). I was living in a forest by a lake in a cabin. The lake had one of those rope thingies with buoys showing where the water dropped off about 6 feet out and another a lot farther out. Even though it was a private beach, there were always random people playing on it and swimming in it. This didn't bother me, however, because of my gigantic fear of water so it's not like I was using the beach to go swimming or play sexy beach volleyball with lots of bikini models or anything. Anywho, so I had this cabin but for some reason robots wanted to attack it so I called up the witch of the forest and had her cast a force field spell or some shit over my house. Of course, if the robots touched the force field it would shatter. In retrospect, not a very effective force field, was it? Not so much. So all of a sudden this group of robots came and started walking toward my house and so I was like... "DUDE. I gotta fight this shit off!" so I called up the witch of the forest and was like, "WITCH WHAT DO I DO?!" and she's like, "Go sit on one of the floaties in the water." So I went onto the beach and jumped onto this pink inflatable chair thing. Then the witch came flying on her broom and tried to push me out into the middle of the water. I was hella pissed, needless to say, and quickly jumped/flew to land (not really sure how it happened, to be honest). I realized that the robots were getting closer. And then I realized I was having an affair with one of the robots named Alex (The robots looked like people so it wasn't TOO weird that I was mackin' on one of them). I went to the edge of the force field and Alex and I kissed through it. Then I realized I needed to go kill all the other robots. So I went into my house and in my closet I found this thing that looked like a green light saber that jammed all electrical things within 10 feet of it. There was also a wand thing that made a whip made of fire balls. If only my real closet contained such badass things... So I went outside and stood near the edge of the force field and turned on the light saber thing and the closest robots started short circuiting. As soon as I turned it off, however, they returned to normal. So I turned on the light saber and started swinging the fire whip around. The robots caught on fire and started exploding. I went through the incoming army of robots and wreaked havoc on them. And then I woke up and played beach volleyball with sexy bikini models.

Okay, that last part didn't happen.

No, I can't really make you love me

It's time to bust out another side of me: Joey the Emo. Or as I affectionately call him, Weepy McGirlJeans. He's a chipper fellow.

As much as I'm really enjoying being back at the U (and really, I am- It definitely was a wise decision on my part to transfer) and it's nice to get out of the house everyday, there is one teensy weensy little thing I forgot about: All those damn couples that seem to be found on college campuses. Seriously, they're everywhere!!! It's like there's a fountain of lovey dovey couples that just sprung forth behind Coffman. Everytime I see one holding hands, I wanna just walk right through them so they STOP. Or better yet cut their hands off. They walk around all smug and touch each other and rub each other and, worst of all, insist upon sticking their tongues down each other's throats all the time. Get a fucking room. But please use a condom because we don't need more of you in the world.

All sarcasm and bitterness aside, I think the real reason they bother me so much is that they remind me that I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I have fantastic friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world... but it doesn't help one's self confidence to be 19 and have never been in a relationship or even had a "thing" with anyone. It's really pathetic, isn't it? Am I really THAT undesirable? I mean, I know plenty of people out there who smell, are practically deformed looking, are generally a bitch/asshole, and otherwise lack any qualities one would find desirable in a partner but yet they seem to go through lovers like Rush Limbaugh goes through pill bottles.

And you know what the worst part is? This damn holiday coming up. As if they need a whole day to rub it in my face with their fat naked babies shooting things and fattening chocolates and ugly as shit pink... shit. Yes, I'm talking about Singles Awareness Day. February 14th is by far the worst day of the year. And I don't even have a cat to smother... with love. I wouldn't ACTUALLY smother it...

Anywho, who knows how I'll celebrate this year. Probably like I have the last few years: Attempting to go out, being reminded that I'm a failure at life, returning home, turning on some No Doubt and spending the rest of the night crying in my room. Or perhaps I'll get a bottle of Arbor Mist and drown my pain in seven dollar wine. Either way, one thing is for sure: I'm spending another S.A.D. alone.

Adult Candy

 This is a poem I wrote for my poetry class last year. It is one of the few poems I actually thought I'd done an okay job on. So read, enjoy, and don't be an asshole and steal it.

Adult Candy

If in the morning I feel my back ache
Then two Percocet I do take
Before I continue on my daily routine
And if I don’t get my candy I’LL FUCKING SCREAM
For the Zoloft makes the happiness stay
And the Zyprexa keeps the crazies at bay
There is a medicine that can help one and all
Whether it be Albuterol, Advair, or Adderall

Speaking of Adderall, where is my goddamn Vyvanse??
Without it I can’t focus, not a chance!!
Oh God, I’m so worked up that my heart might attack
So I think I’ll take a Plavix to get rid of the plaque
And what if I have diabetes?? Should I take a Januvia too??
And I’ll prescribe myself some Celexa (because I’m feeling blue)
But wait!! I’m having trouble taking a shit!!
A Colace will help soften things up a bit
And those pink gnomes I keep seeing are giving me hell
So I think it’s time for a Seroquel!!
And while I’m at it, just for fun, how about a Foscavir??
Why?? Because getting herpes is my fear

My candy is like a rainbow of pharmaceutical proportions
And contrary to all of the media distortions
Nothing can make all my problems go away
Like twenty seven Valium every single day
And if there is no Valium to be found
That’s okay, other benzodiazepines are sure to abound!!
I have my choice of Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin
And for my weight problem, Fen-phen will surely make me thin
Some might say I have a problem and that I need some aid
But to them I say, “FUCK YOU!! DO I LOOK DISMAYED?!”
And then I realize how angry I’ve become
So I pop one or two or five or seventeen Librium
But these rumors of addiction should be easy to douse
Seeing as I’m not a train wreck like Amy Winehouse

Maybe I do take too many prescription pills
But unlike some, I don’t take them for the thrills
Sure, I may not have AIDS but I can still take Sustiva, right?
So I’ll just keep these thoughts out of mind, out of sight
Because now it’s late and sleep I must
So I’ll take an Ambien before the sandman sprinkles his dust

Earthquakes and Milkshakes

Okay, okay, I'm not going to write anything about milkshakes... except that they're really freakin' good, am I right? I just wanted to make the title rhyme.

As I'm sure all of you have heard by now, there was a devastating earthquake in Haiti two days ago. No, I'm not going to lecture you about donating or sending supplies or any of that business. Rather, this is a reflection on something that the earthquake brought out in me.

I don't know why, but when I first heard about the earthquake I became obsessed. I just wanted to DO something. I felt so bad for everyone down in Haiti living through what must be complete and total hell. Normally, I don't react like things to this. Like, I'll feel bad for people but I won't have the urge to do much. This has been happening a lot lately. Maybe this is a sign of my growing up. I want to make the world a better place.

I tried organizing a fundraiser of sorts, Drinking for the Disaster, but it ended up falling through. (By the way, isn't that name clever as shit?! Victory for the Joe-ster!). I want to try rescheduling it but who knows if that will be able to happen. I wish I could think of another way to raise money to donate to Red Cross or whatever.

In thinking of how to help, I came up with the idea of a meat raffle. It seemed perfect! I mean, people like eating animal carcasses, right? Then it occured to me: I don't have any farm animals. Hell, my house doesn't even any rats I could club and try to auction off. Oh, and there's the whole vegetarian thing, too...

If anyone would like to collaberate on something, let me know. I really want to help.

And now, to go make myself a milkshake. Mmmmm, chocolate...

Let's play pretend

For some reason, all day I've been feeling really nostalgic. I can't shake the feeling that I fell asleep and now am in a completely different life.

What happened? When did I grow up? When did I become so old? When did I turn into an adult? When did things change? When did I start loathing trips to Illinois, car rides through Wisconsin, and trips to the WI Dells? When did I stop having a bedtime or a curfew?

I miss the summer trips to my grandparents' house in Illinois. We'd stop at the McDonalds or Culvers in Mauston because it was halfway there, sometimes my grandparents would meet my parents there so they'd each only have to go halfway. I'd spend my time there helping my grandma sew, cooking, catching lightning bugs, swimming, going to the toy store, coloring with chalk...

So many of the things I used to look forward to as a child I now dread. What inside me changed? I wish I had appreciated them at the time because who knows when things will change again?

My dreams are so tight

Last night I had a really bizarre dream. I've since forgotten most of the details but I remember waking up in fear. For some reason, there was a tomb discovered in my basement. There were archeologists digging in it and they just discovered this big ass tomb down there. Once the tomb was opened, there were a lot of like hauntings and shit in my house so we had to go on an expedition to the tomb in my basement to like... Actually, I don't really know what the point of the expedition was. Maybe we were going to do an exorcism. Maybe we were going to seal the tomb. Hell, we might have been going to have a tea party with the spirits for all I know. Anyway, so we (I'm not really sure who all was in this expedition... It was my friends Jill and Marissa for sure and there was a cat but beyond that it beats me) into my basement and the wall beyond our lego city was gone and there was a glowing, torch lit, very Zelda-esque hallway made of stone. We walked in and came to this big chamber, also very Zelda-esque, and walked down some stairs, across a walkway and through a giant door into the burial room of the tomb. There were a lot more torches in here and a scary tiki-style skull demon thing carved into the wall and all these coffins on the wall. All of a sudden, they opened and started dancing like in the video for "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa, except they wearing mummy shit instead of dressing in those weird crown thingies. We were scared so we ran out of my basement. Jill and Marissa left and then I called Jill and she was like, "We should do some magic and ressurect one of those mummies. I think Necrofarae would be best because he's the sexiest mummy." Needless to say, she and Marissa were immediately dropped from the expedition. I went down to my porch where I used my "justice whistle" to call the "Justic Squadron" (My dreams are really fucked up). We were walking back through my kitchen when all of a sudden this giant, four legged stone spider thingy appeared above my table and the walls stretched. We ran past this guy and my whole basement had turned into a tomb. We ran down the stairs and into the main room of the tomb. Suddenly, there was an evil laugh and I woke up.

I really enjoy reading other people's dreams. I miss the days when I used to do interpretations. I'd love to start doing that again. I want to start exploring the world of dreaming again.