Priorities

I am SO MAD right now. For those of you who aren't aware, there was an 8.8 earthquake near Chile this morning and as a result, Hawaii is being threatened with a tsunami... And who's trending on Twitter? Justin Bieber. What the hell is wrong with our world? He didn't do anything recently and let's be honest... he's not that great. But more than anything, there are people dead/dying and more could happen and this is what we care about? When I saw the reaction to Haiti, I almost gained faith in humanity (minus Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson... but they're hardly human) but this... This makes me SO ANGRY. Is Justin Bieber going to save us from the tsunami? And for that matter, where's the reaction similar to Haiti for Chile? Come on people. We can do better than this.

Singles Awareness Day: Let's call it what it is

Ahhhhh, Singles Awareness Day... Possibly the only holiday devoted completely to making people feel worse about themselves. The only reason this day exists is so candy and flower companies can dish out more product during their slow season. I don't see why we need a whole day for couples to go out and rub their happiness in the rest of our faces.

This year, I'm gonna be honest about something: I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough for a relationship. Yeah, as much as I'd LIKE one it honestly probably isn't a good a idea. I'd drive whoever I was dating completely batshit because I'm so irritable and stressed all the time. I wouldn't want to force that upon someone. It just would be nice to have someone to rely on... and to bang. Banging would be swell.

I would like to make one slightly less cynical point: Couples, shouldn't you be treating each other like you do around Singles Awareness Day all year long? (minus the PDA... That shit needs to stop) Why is it that this one day/couple of days each year you decide that you're going to appreciate each other? Shouldn't you do that all the time? After all, there are some of us who have never been in a relationship and would kill something to do so. So appreciate it, you ungrateful bastards.

I tried looking up to you, girl... Errr, dude

Today in my anthropology class we watched a movie about Freud. In the grand tradition of Freud, and my anthropology class for that matter, it ended up being mainly about sex. Seriously, this guy was hella perverted.

But that's not my point.

In the movie, there was a part about Freud's idol and how he'd write him almost romantic letters praising him. Instead of paying attention from this point forward, I got to thinking about who my idols are and I had a realization: They're all women. There really aren't any men out there that I'd say I idolize, at least not in the same way I do my ladies. I mean, I think Tom Dumont and Jimmy Shaw are pretty rad but I don't think I'd say I look up to them.

Is this weird? Like is it weird that I mainly look up to women? I feel like every other guy out there is like, "Duddde, my idol is (insert generic sports figure/rawwwwk musician/their father or grandfather/other manly man)" and I'm like, "Gwen Stefani FTW!"

I guess since I've always gotten along better with girls I've naturally always ended up looking up to them. Or maybe I'm not exposed to enough strong male role models. Or maybe men are just scum. Or maybe my life is just one large estrogen-fest and that's all it'll ever be. =\

Celebrate a brand new day

"Only hang out with the people you like. I figured that out and it changed my life."
- Emily Haines

A friend of mine introduced me to that quote today. I'd never heard it before which is kinda strange considering I'm mildly obsessed with that woman. Regardless, I think there's remarkable wisdom in those words.

It seems that a lot of my time in high school and even since then I've spent hanging out around people who I honestly thought weren't the greatest people/friends and ignored some of the best people I know. And, more importantly, I wasted my time not really enjoying myself. Life's too short for that.

Well dammit, it's not happening anymore. I'm technically a sophomore in college now. I don't have time for people that I don't actually want to spend time with for whatever reason. I'm making the people who are good to me my priority.

This is the start of a new phase in my life.

If you bore me then I'm comfortable

"If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyzes me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I wanna be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best"
-No Doubt

I've never enjoyed having a crush. It's never gone anywhere. It's only wasted my time, built me up and torn me down.

But for some inexplicable reason, lately I kind of... miss it.
I don't know why. But I really want someone to long for, to think of when I hear stupid love songs, to cryptically tweet about...

Okay, so that's not at all what I want: I want something more. Shit, this is getting ridiculous. I'll be 20 in less than six months. Come on, Joey, get your act together. Find someone.

But that's the thing: I have yet to meet someone who excites me like how I need to be excited.

I haven't met anyone I can be passionate about and, as I'm sure you all know, I have a hard time committing to anything that I'm even slightly less than passionate about.

I don't want much. Just someone to rely on. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to talk to when I'm having a bad day. Someone to do shit with.

But everyone that even mildly sparks my interest... also terrifies me. I can't talk to them. I freeze up and go into my shell. This is becoming a huge problem especially since it's extended to new people in general.

I've seriously become this mega hot mess lately. I'm stressed all the time, I can't pull my shit together. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely handle driving. It freaks me out. And there's no one I can talk to about it. No one really gets it or at least pretends to get it.

I want to go out and meet new people. I need to do it, actually. Not even people to date but just like friends. Most of my friends are off at college. Even though I'm back, I'm still really empty and lonely. I feel unimportant.

I want to go out and meet new people... but I don't know how. Or where. Or what to do. And if I do meet new people, I don't think I can handle it.

I don't think there's much I can handle anymore.

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Last night I had a bizarre dream (not that this seems to be anything new for me). I was living in a forest by a lake in a cabin. The lake had one of those rope thingies with buoys showing where the water dropped off about 6 feet out and another a lot farther out. Even though it was a private beach, there were always random people playing on it and swimming in it. This didn't bother me, however, because of my gigantic fear of water so it's not like I was using the beach to go swimming or play sexy beach volleyball with lots of bikini models or anything. Anywho, so I had this cabin but for some reason robots wanted to attack it so I called up the witch of the forest and had her cast a force field spell or some shit over my house. Of course, if the robots touched the force field it would shatter. In retrospect, not a very effective force field, was it? Not so much. So all of a sudden this group of robots came and started walking toward my house and so I was like... "DUDE. I gotta fight this shit off!" so I called up the witch of the forest and was like, "WITCH WHAT DO I DO?!" and she's like, "Go sit on one of the floaties in the water." So I went onto the beach and jumped onto this pink inflatable chair thing. Then the witch came flying on her broom and tried to push me out into the middle of the water. I was hella pissed, needless to say, and quickly jumped/flew to land (not really sure how it happened, to be honest). I realized that the robots were getting closer. And then I realized I was having an affair with one of the robots named Alex (The robots looked like people so it wasn't TOO weird that I was mackin' on one of them). I went to the edge of the force field and Alex and I kissed through it. Then I realized I needed to go kill all the other robots. So I went into my house and in my closet I found this thing that looked like a green light saber that jammed all electrical things within 10 feet of it. There was also a wand thing that made a whip made of fire balls. If only my real closet contained such badass things... So I went outside and stood near the edge of the force field and turned on the light saber thing and the closest robots started short circuiting. As soon as I turned it off, however, they returned to normal. So I turned on the light saber and started swinging the fire whip around. The robots caught on fire and started exploding. I went through the incoming army of robots and wreaked havoc on them. And then I woke up and played beach volleyball with sexy bikini models.

Okay, that last part didn't happen.

No, I can't really make you love me

It's time to bust out another side of me: Joey the Emo. Or as I affectionately call him, Weepy McGirlJeans. He's a chipper fellow.

As much as I'm really enjoying being back at the U (and really, I am- It definitely was a wise decision on my part to transfer) and it's nice to get out of the house everyday, there is one teensy weensy little thing I forgot about: All those damn couples that seem to be found on college campuses. Seriously, they're everywhere!!! It's like there's a fountain of lovey dovey couples that just sprung forth behind Coffman. Everytime I see one holding hands, I wanna just walk right through them so they STOP. Or better yet cut their hands off. They walk around all smug and touch each other and rub each other and, worst of all, insist upon sticking their tongues down each other's throats all the time. Get a fucking room. But please use a condom because we don't need more of you in the world.

All sarcasm and bitterness aside, I think the real reason they bother me so much is that they remind me that I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, I have fantastic friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world... but it doesn't help one's self confidence to be 19 and have never been in a relationship or even had a "thing" with anyone. It's really pathetic, isn't it? Am I really THAT undesirable? I mean, I know plenty of people out there who smell, are practically deformed looking, are generally a bitch/asshole, and otherwise lack any qualities one would find desirable in a partner but yet they seem to go through lovers like Rush Limbaugh goes through pill bottles.

And you know what the worst part is? This damn holiday coming up. As if they need a whole day to rub it in my face with their fat naked babies shooting things and fattening chocolates and ugly as shit pink... shit. Yes, I'm talking about Singles Awareness Day. February 14th is by far the worst day of the year. And I don't even have a cat to smother... with love. I wouldn't ACTUALLY smother it...

Anywho, who knows how I'll celebrate this year. Probably like I have the last few years: Attempting to go out, being reminded that I'm a failure at life, returning home, turning on some No Doubt and spending the rest of the night crying in my room. Or perhaps I'll get a bottle of Arbor Mist and drown my pain in seven dollar wine. Either way, one thing is for sure: I'm spending another S.A.D. alone.